Mass Catalyst: Plants vs Zombies
by The Cowardly Christian
Summary: In one universe...humanity was called the 'sleeping giant'...here their considered the 'annoying little brother'. How will the council handle useless adults, Zombies, magic, and kids that CAN'T seem to stop getting attacked by monsters everyday? Good!Competent!Council
1. Chapter 1

**Mass Catalyst: Plants v.s. Zombies**

I OWN AND REGRET NOTHING!

...

General Desolas hadn't known what to expect when the sixth fleet had detected the activation of the 314 Relay...

 **BRAINS!**

-but it certainly hadn't been this!

To recap; they traveled through the relay to find a crashed ship that looked like a weird funky afro nearby. Sensing no life signs, Desolas sent a boarding/scavenger party to figure out what happened...only to get reports of freakish, rotten, green asari-like creatures attacking them! Screaming of eating their brains all the while!

Fortunately, they were few in number, so were easy to bring down. When they were brought aboard-

"I'm sorry, what do you mean they've been dead for years!?" Exclaimed Desolas in disbelief. The Turian medic just shook his head. "I- I don't know how else to say it sir...but...what we have here...is reanimated tissue! Not quite dead...not quite alive...I'm honestly at a loss for words! I'm speechless! This is completely unprecedented! A medical marvel! I-

"I thought you were speechless!" Snarked Desolas suddenly.

Putting the strange phenomena aside, he turns to his communication officer. "What have you got for me concerning the nearby planet?" He asked.

The communication officer turned to him. "Sir, it seems there's several primitive settlements below. The signals suggest radio-level development...how they made a ship capable of interstellar travel is beyond me...also, I'm detecting a lot of chatter...it took some doing but I believe I've deciphered their language. I've already inputted it into the translator VI's."

Desolas nodded, that would save them a good deal of headache should they end up meeting the 'locals'.

"And what dose this chatter tell you?"

The com officer sighed. "Sadly, there's a lot of interference...most of it is garbled...but I think...yes, their appears to be a large battle going down right now! Give me a moment and I should be able to pin-point where exactly it's happening!" The com officer excitedly went back to work.

Desolas's brother Saren looked at him expectantly. "Brother...what shall we do?"

Desolas frowned as if in deep thought, finally he came to a decision. "Whatever is happening here activated a relay, potentially endangering the citadel races. At the very least we need to get the 'lay of the land'."

He turns to the com officer. "When your finished, give the intel to Saren. Then immediately report our findings to the citadel council. we don't know what's going to happen down their, so we need to be ready for anything."

He turns to his brother. "Saren, take several contingents of our best men and go to the surface. Don't fire unless fired upon, and above all gather as much intel as possible."

Saren saluted and went to do just that...both brother's had no idea what was going on..but they could feel it in their guts...what happened to day...would change things...for better or for worse...things would change...

...…...

TO BE CONTINUED?

 **AN: I know it says "in-progress" but really I just don't like boxing myself into a corner. For now this is more of a one-shot that I might continue one day...but probably won't.**  
 **But, hey. Feel free to use whatever elements you want from this, if you want! Or maybe give me ideas?**

 **Love me, flame me, review me**


	2. Chapter 2

**Mass Catalyst: Plants v.s. Zombies ch. 2**

I OWN AND REGRET NOTHING!

...

Saren and his men surveyed the battlefield before them...at a loss for words...

"Uh...soldier...what am I looking at here?" "I'm just as lost as you are." Admitted the soldier equally baffled.

Before them was one of the most bizarre fights in all creation! On one side were more of those living corpses...many of them dressed as bikini models, fish trainers, hairy beasts, dancers, men in goofy underwear...and that was just the front line! It just got more ridiculous further down.

As for the other side... "I'm sorry...are those plants?" Asked a technician as he tried to make sense of the madness he was witnessing.

"Yes, they are! And your about to be their lunch!"

Saren cursed himself, he and his men had been so busy taking in the spectacle before them...they neglected to mind their surroundings!

"Weapons on the ground! Turn around slowly! No funny business!"

With not choice, the turrians were forced to oblige. They turned around to find themselves surrounded...by children!?

"I'm sorry..how old are all of you?" Asked Saren incredulously-

 **BANG!**

"Old enough to put a bullet through your head!" Said the apparent leader of the group after firing a warning shot.

Saren groaned. "Desolas is NEVER going to let me hear the end of this..."

…...

TO BE CONTINUED?

 **AN: I know it says "in-progress" but really I just don't like boxing myself into a corner. For now this is more of a one-shot that I might continue one day...but probably won't.**  
 **But, hey. Feel free to use whatever elements you want from this, if you want! Or maybe give me ideas?**

 **Love me, flame me, review me**


	3. Chapter 3

Mass Catalyst: Plants vs Zombies ch. 3

I OWN AND REGRET NOTHING!

...

Fortunately, Saren was able to calm down the self-appointed Leader- One Robert Joseph MacCready...and agree to a test to prove their not a new breed of zombies.

"1-2-3-4-5." Counted off the last Turian soldier.

MacCready nodded. "Okay, Zombies are too stupid to count that high, I'm convinced- But I got my eyes on you Mungo's."

"Mungo's?" Asked Saren confused, he had no idea what that was...but it didn't sound complimentary!

"Mungo's, what we call useless adults...which pretty much means ALL adults really." States McCready flatly.

"Right, Adults! Why aren't they here fighting instead of you children- More importantly, can I talk to them?" Asked Saren, desperate to gain some sanity in the current situation...

McCready snorted. "HA! Those useless morons...9/10ths of the planet over-run and they refuse to believe were being invaded! They'd rather stay at home twiddling their thumbs while we all get our brains munched!"

Saren gives them a look of incredulity... "They refuse to believe that their planet is being destroyed- he waves a hand toward the battlefield -While THAT is raging on?"

Saren shakes his head, "I'm sorry my boy...but I find that VERY hard to believe." He states bluntly.

McCready shrugged, "Hey feel free to 'convince' them if you want...their in our last settlement...right down that road." He points toward said road with his rifle.

Saren gave a sigh of relief, FINALLY another adult to talk to! "Very well, I will." He turns to his men. "Half of you come with me, the other half get in contact with my brother and tell him what's happening here, maybe get some back-up from the council...my word how is the council going to handle this?...that's a nightmare I'm not looking forward t-

"Uh, sir? What are we supposed to do...about that?" Interrupted a brave ensign as he pointed toward the...zombies fighting the plants- by the spirits, this was WEIRD.

Saren just shook his head in weary defeat. "Just...just hold your position, and keep the kids alive until we sort this mess out...okay?"

Not knowing what else to do...the Turrians do as their told...Saren in turns leads his half of the troops toward the adults...and hopefully answers...

"So...no adults here at all?" Asks one of the soldiers as he holds a rifle beside an equally armed child half his side.

"Well...'Technically' theirs Crazy Dave...weren't for him and his plant army and inventions we'd have been zombie chow long ago but-

"BLIB BLAB BLOP WOOOOO! (WHERE MY MAGIC TACO!?)" Screamed a crazy looking man wearing a pot on his head running through the camp...

"I...seee..." Said the soldier nervously while frantically praying his superiors would get this sorted out soon...

…...  
TO BE CONTINUED?

 **AN: I know it says "in-progress" but really I just don't like boxing myself into a corner. For now this is more of a one-shot that I might continue one day...but probably won't.**  
 **But, hey. Feel free to use whatever elements you want from this, if you want! Or maybe give me ideas?**

 **Love me, flame me, review me**


	4. Chapter 4

**Mass Catalyst: Plants vs Zombies ch.4  
**

I OWN AND REGRET NOTHING!

...

 **ANNOUNCEMENT!**

 **I'M GETTING A BOOK PUBLISHED!**

 **SUMMARY:**  
 **On the 13th day of the 13th month of the 13th year...magic will return to the world...and the streets will run red with the blood of the (semi)innocent...unless the world is saved by the most unlikely of hero's...baking cupcakes?!**

 **The title is '13/13/13' and it'll be coming to a bookstore or E-Book site near you! Xilbris is the publisher, also available at Amazon, Inkitt and BarnesandNoble.**

...

Saren had fought Terminus system pirates, Asari mercenaries, Batarian slavers, and even dreaded Thresher Maw...

"Hey, nice costume!"

"For the 10th time it's not a costume! I'm an actual alien!"

...But this was more frustrating then all of them combined!

The moment Saren and his men came to town -in a spaceship no less!- they'd either been commented on for their odd costume, dismissed as a loon, or just dismissed as they 'didn't have time to save their kids'...and went back to their yardwork or paperwork!

All the adults either didn't notice the war happening down the road, didn't care about the war, or were just in denial about it!

Saren was quickly losing his patience with this whole sorry lot! He was just about to rip out his mandibles when people looking like officers showed up.

"Finally, some authority figures!" Shouts out Saren in relief. "Hello there, we understand you know where all the kids are?" Asks the policeman.

Saren smiles, finally some sanity! "Yes, Yes I do! Your town might not have much, but if we pool our resources-

"Yeah, that's great buddy. We just need to know where they are so we can get them back to school, silly scamps are playing hookey."

Saren looks at the group of officers in disbelief, "Playing hooke- They're busy fighting for all your lives!" He shouts aghast.

"That's no excuse for not getting an education. They have their futures to think about."

"Their future- THEIR RISKING THEIR LIVES TO SAVE EVERYONE FROM ZOMBIES! WE WON'T HAVE A FUTURE IF THEY KILL EVERYONE!"

"We'll not with that attitude!" Says an officer

"Buddy, either tell us where the kids are, or we'll have to right you a ticket."

A ticket?" Asks Saren skeptically.

"Yeah, and we might make it two tickets if you give us anymore sass!" Says another Officer as he and his fellows pointed their fingers at them in a comical way as if they were pointing guns at them...

Saren just looked at this sorry display in disbelief, "Right...I don't have time for this nonsense, boys let's just go." They go to leave.

"Hey were not done here- Says the lead cop as he grabs Saren's arm.

Saren, at the edge of his patience, flipped the man over and he fell to the ground...and sobbed like a little girl.

The other cops gaped in horror, "What the- You can't do that! Don't you know if you attack a person that attacks you that makes you a bully too!?" He shouts definitely.

Saren just looks at him dumbly, "Did you seriously just say..." He shakes his head, "You know what? I'm not even going to dignify that with a response." He pulls out a gun-

"Whoa! You can't use a gun! That's dangerous! It'll send the wrong message-

 **BANG!**

Saren shoots a round into the air, causing all the human officers to raise their hands in surrender. "Right, take me to your leader. Me and my men are taking over this joint for you Moron's safety, understand?" He points the gun at them irritably.

...No one argued...

...

Meanwhile, the war wasn't really going anywhere. "Oh, for the love of- Where are all these zombies even coming from!?" Demanded a Turian soldier, their tactics and weapons- although superior to the kids and plants -just weren't able to make that big of a dent into the seemingly endless horde.

"Oh, their coming from Dr. Zombosse's lair", explained a kid next to him as he casually shot several zombies in the knee-caps.

The soldier looks at the child, "Zombosse's lair?" He asks confused. The child sighs and quickly explains about the mastermind behind the whole thing...as well as the exact coordinates of his lair.

"For all the good it dose us." Says the kid depressed, "Even if we could spare the manpower- which we can't -we'd never get past all his defenses! He has a freaking 10-ft robotic dragon for crying out loud!"

The soldier just gives a the kid a comforting hand on the soldier, "Kid...don't worry...because you just gave us the means to win this war..."

...

Dr. Zomboss cackles maniacally, "Finally after all theses years...victory is in my grasp! Soon the last human settlement will fall, the incompetent adults will be made into zombies- actually strike that, even by zombie standards their too dumb -the children spanked to submission, Crazy Dave brought before me in shackles, and those blasted plants will finally be turned to mulch!"

Zomboss did a marry jig as his Bavarian zombies played music, "Yes, the merriment begin! Bring the taco brains and brain juice champagne!" He laughs.

While a zombie waiter brings in said order...he looks up. "Duh...boss? What that shiny thingie in big above place?" Asks the zombie dimly as he points his arm straight up in the sky...which then immediately falls off...

Zomboss, curious also squints up and sees... "Is that a second sun?" That was the last word he spoke before the Turian fleets orbital bombardment blew his HQ to kingdom come with him along with it...

...

All across the planet...the zombies dropped down DOUBLE dead...

...

A turian soldier looked at all this as the children, plants and Turians cheered "Wait, why would their masters death cause them all to die? Wouldn't there be a- "Dude! Don't overthink it! We've won! Let the Salarians figure things out later!"

...

 **Shanix Incident aftermath report: 2049564#**

Naturally, when first told of what had transpired the council believed it to be a joke...it took the gift of a potted Pea-shooter and a yeti zombie head to take it seriously.

At first they were horrified to learn of Saren's rather hostile takeover of the human settlement...and then they spent five minutes with the human adults...after that they put their stamp of approval on the whole takeover.

Investigation into the humans 'unnatural' drop in intellect between the adults and the children...yielded unsettling results. The stupidity appears to be the result of a genetic virus that although dormant in the children and harmless to non-human species...begins to take effect sometime in adulthood.

Thankfully an antidote was quickly made that killed the dormant virus in children...but proved useless in curing the awakened virus in adults. For the children's well being, they're parents have been deemed unfit and the children have been given to Child Protective Services.

Although most children were happy for this- although suspicious toward the 'new' adults- there was the issue of what to do with Patrice Blazing, the niece of 'Crazy Dave'.

She refused to be separated from him, but although clearly having a loving relationship...the child service rep's were reluctant to leave her with him due to his mental state.

Eventually, the council ruled on a compromise. Since they wanted to learn more about Mr. Dave's 'plant science' they had already decided to give him a bodyguard detail to protect him and any Council scientist who would come to assist/observe his work.

So with this in mind, they agree to allow Patricia to remain with Dave, provided she obey the wishes of the bodyguard detail- even over Dave's wishes.

The zombies(both dead, alive, and re-dead) have all been rounded up, quarantined, and sent to various Council installations and concerns for further study.

Interview's with human elders and examinations of artifacts in local museums has yielded a shocking discovery...Shanix is not the human homeworld. Strong evidence indicates that the humans of this world landed here to establish a colony after fleeing from some 'calamity' -what this calamity was is still under investigation -and the virus gradually dumbed them down from their space-faring roots, and their 'origins' became the stuff of folklore and legend.

the colonists original spaceship- long mistaken by the locals as an 'ancient outhouse' -although degraded and damaged, has provided SOME data on potential coordinates on other human colony worlds. The council is currently in session on how to deal with this revelation...

 **Addendum:**

Zombosse's body was never found...

...

TO BE CONTINUED?

 **AN: This story may have ended, but it will -maybe- continue on in multiple sequels, so many human worlds so little time: Gravity falls, Danny phantom, Supernatural, Juniper lee, Loud house, simpsons, MLP, etc. What anime, cartoon, book, or game would you like to see done? Bribes of 'Shake up the falls' chapters will greatly help my writing speed. (wink) (wink) God bless you and have a nice day!**

 **AN: I know it says "in-progress" but really I just don't like boxing myself into a corner. For now this is more of a one-shot that I might continue one day...but probably won't.**  
 **But, hey. Feel free to use whatever elements you want from this, if you want! Or maybe give me ideas?**

 **Love me, flame me, review me**


End file.
